How Can We Be Better Villagers? Community-building from a relational trauma therapist
- Grace Putz
- Apr 27
- 7 min read
Oh so you want a village? Let's talk about how to be a good villager -
A lot of people come into my office every week feeling alone and isolated and frustrated by the lack of community and belonging in their lives. We have unintentionally created so much distance and so many boundaries in our lives that we've also sacrificed community and how important it is for a person's well-being. Humans are historically social beings; we are not meant to be isolated or alone for prolonged periods. But because of the many isolative phenomena happening currently, many of us find ourselves alone, disconnected, and frankly, a little hopeless. Self-care trends that emphasize simplistic phrases like “if they wanted to, they would,” “if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t be this hard,” or “protect your peace” are fostering a sense of division and disconnect when we really need more empathy and community in our lives. Similarly, we see this trend in other areas like the male loneliness epidemic and declining marriage rates or the economic landscape where a sense of job loyalty and community through one’s occupation have weakened.
Why is Community so Important to our Mental Health?
Community isn’t just “nice to have,” it’s a core psychological need. In psychology, humans are understood as fundamentally relational beings; many empirically supported psychological theories emphasize that a sense of belonging and secure connection shapes how we regulate emotions, form identity, and experience safety in the world (even when we experience trauma or go through difficult periods). When people feel seen, known, and supported by others, their nervous systems can settle; stress becomes more tolerable, and difficult experiences are less likely to turn into chronic anxiety or depression. Sociologically, community acts as a buffer against isolation by providing shared norms, meaning, and mutual support. It creates a sense of togetherness that helps individuals feel anchored, especially during periods of uncertainty or transition. When those structures weaken because of social media trends, technology in general, societal trends, or changes in work, people often feel more disconnected and alone.
Biologically, our bodies are wired for connection. Social support has been shown to reduce cortisol (our primary stress hormone), regulate heart rate, and even strengthen immune functioning. Systems like the vagus nerve are directly involved in how we experience safety and connection; positive social interactions can literally shift the body out of a threat state. From an evolutionary perspective, belonging to a group increases chances of survival, so our brains are highly attuned to connection and rejection. That means isolation isn’t just emotionally painful but it can feel like a physiological threat to our nervous system. Think about a time when you were talking to someone at an event or a party and you left feeling funny or worried about the interaction. That was your nervous system telling you that you didn’t feel connected to the person because of one reason or another. Now in contrast, think of a time where you left a party or a dinner with friends and felt incredibly known and cared for because the night went so well. That sense of peace and contentment is your nervous system affirming belonging and a sense of security. The need for a village shows up in everyday interactions in small but meaningful ways.
Signs You Might Need More Community and Less Self-Care
Thought Patterns that tell me as a therapist you need more community:
“I don’t want to ask for help or burden anyone”
“I should be able to handle this on my own”
Feeling like socializing won’t be worth it most of the time
Assuming others are too busy, uninterested, or won’t understand you
Thinking about your feelings rather than feeling them or sharing them (aka intellectualizing)
Behavioral Patterns that tell me as a therapist you need more community:
You default to solo activities (e.g., doomscrolling, rotting at home, solo work outs)
Your routines do not involve much unnecessary social interaction
You flake on plans or avoid making them even when you know you’re lonely
You are constantly needing to “reset” or “restart’
You feel stuck
You do lots of self-care without much lasting effects
Emotional Patterns that tell me as a therapist you need more community:
A persistent sense of loneliness
Feeling stuck or like you’re doing it all alone
A desire to feel cared for or understood by others but not feeling like you actually have it
Feeling like something is off or missing
Relational Patterns that tell me as a therapist you need more community:
Most interactions feel surface level
Relationships don’t feel like they get past the initial transactional period
You struggle to think of people you can be fully honest with or authentic around
Your relationships lack depth
Your relationships lack favors and kindness without the expectation of getting something in return
How Can I Build a Community?
Building community is about putting yourself in places where connection can happen repeatedly and naturally. The goal is proximity + reciprocity + consistency + a little vulnerability over time. Here are some ways to think about it, across different budgets and environments:
Public libraries and community centers offer book clubs, workshops and lectures for people that have similar interests to you and while it may be easier to go on reddit or scroll on tiktok, it’s more beneficial for your well-being to go meet with people who have shared interests in-person. Many parks and gyms have free fitness groups like run clubs, walking groups or community yoga. Join neighborhood newsletters or local Facebook groups to find free events to promote movement and find community. Volunteering is a wonderful way to meet people with similar values. Food pantries, town committees, schools, and mutual aid groups always need an extra set of hands. Local meet ups for shared interests like book clubs, creative groups, or other hobby groups are another great and affordable way to meet people. Don’t be afraid to also start your own group rather than joining one - do a monthly book swap or Sunday swap mini farmer’s market; create a walking club for your neighborhood. Consistency and commitment are key here. Pick one or two things and show up to them on a regular basis. It’s hard to make friends from a one-off event because you don’t really get to know each other but showing up with someone or a group of people each week helps build familiarity with one another and bonding over similarities.
If cost isn’t a barrier, you can go to fitness classes, co-working spaces, or hobby classes to meet new people. Many areas have a good pilates, barre, kickboxing, and/or yoga studio where you can meet new friends. Bars and breweries often have activities as well for couples or singles looking to meet new people. Pottery, woodworking, cooking, knitting, soap-making, and language classes are all fun and interesting hobbies that can also be a way to find fun people who may become part of your village.
Keys to building community:
Consistency & Proximity - showing up for people on a regular basis is paramount to building a community that you can rely on when you need it. Just like any other goal, you have to be consistent to see results. You won’t have a village, if you are not a reliable villager.
Similarity - find and pour into people that have similar interests and values to you. We like and want to spend time with people who we feel understood by so finding people that have some similarities to you is important to feeling like you belong in your village.
Familiarity - you don’t feel familiar or comfortable with someone you just met and it will feel a little awkward when you’re first making friends but it’s important to keep spending time with them to build that comfortability and familiarity. Familiarity builds safety which enhances the strength of a community and makes you feel comfortable.
Reciprocity - doing things without expecting something in return is key to being a good villager. You never know when people are going to reciprocate because we cannot control other people’s actions but reciprocating good energy and favors without knowing if/when that will be “paid back” is incredibly powerful to people in your village and important for finding people who trust and care about you in the ways you need.
Lastly bravery - you might have to go first. You might have to be the one to introduce yourself or the one that gets rejected a couple of times but trying is better than staying isolated and becomes easier with practice.
Building community is slow and gradual but incredibly important.
Why Does it Feel so Hard to be a Villager Sometimes?
Being part of a village does not mean you find a group of perfect people that you always mesh with. It can be exhausting, but it’s all about balance. Finding ways to pour into others and prioritizing time with people while also making sure you’re not running on empty.
It can feel awkward to show up somewhere new, to initiate plans, or to risk being rejected or pouring into someone that ends up not being there for you. Past experiences can make it even harder to trust that connection will feel good or mutual. Similarly, social media algorithms that promote division and “friendship breakups” as tea or drama foster this sense that friendships and community might turn on you suddenly. Even in the best circumstances, building community takes time, repetition, and a willingness to move through some discomfort without immediate payoff.
Despite the scariness (and risk), it matters to have a village. Not because you should force yourself into exhausting social situations, but because humans aren’t wired to move through life in isolation. The kind of support, grounding, and meaning that comes from being part of something bigger with others can’t be fully replaced by self-reliance. Even small steps toward connection like showing up, reaching out, or staying a little longer can begin to shift the depth of relationships over time.
When Therapy Can Help with Community-Building
As a relational therapist helping clients build their communities or repair existing communities is incredibly important to their well-being. When people come into my office feeling stuck, feeling alone, or ostracized by people in their lives, it's important to process the emotions around all of that but also to get them involved in things that are going to give them back that feeling of belonging that feeling of change and movement and feeling a little bit of faith in humanity even.
I see a lot of people who have experienced trauma from loved ones or community members that were supposed to be supportive of them, people in the middle of difficult life transitions, or even those just struggling from anxiety and depression. Therapy can help you gain insight into how you show up in communities, the impacts you have, and how you can contribute to your community in more beneficial ways.
About My Therapy Practice
At Campsen Wellness, we help clients find a balance between community and individualism. We want you to find your community, feel empowered, and improve your well-being. Reach out today for in-person sessions in Lutherville-T
imonium or virtually across the state of Maryland.
You can check out my other blogs or schedule a consultation call with me here!
