An Open Letter to Those That Struggle
Hey there,
I don't know exactly what brought you here. I don't know what your life looks like, and I don't know how long you've been carrying this pain. But if you are reading this while wondering whether you can keep going, I want to start here:
You deserve support before you reach your breaking point.
You do not have to wait until you have a plan. You do not have to wait until things become unbearable or for the day you have enough energy to “just do it.” You do not have to earn the right to ask for help. Suicidal thoughts look different from person to person. They can be intrusive and frightening thoughts that are entirely unwanted. Or maybe it feels like bone-deep exhaustion. A desire to disappear or a wish to go to sleep and not wake up. A belief that everyone would be better off. A feeling of being trapped in darkness with no exit. And sometimes, experiencing suicidal thoughts doesn’t actually mean you want to end your life. It means the pain has become unbearable and you need rest. You need circumstances to change and the feeling of drowning to ease.
Please Tell Someone What Is Happening
I know this part can be terrifying. You may worry about being judged or loved ones panicking. Hospitalization may be daunting and traumatizing. Your brain may have convinced you that you are burdening everyone around you but know that suicidal thoughts grow more powerful with isolation. One of the first and best things I encourage you to do is identify someone safe that you can share your truth with. You don’t have to be perfectly articulate and organized in your delivery. You can say something like:
“I'm not doing okay, and I'm scared to be alone with my thoughts right now.” or “I'm having thoughts about not wanting to be here, and I think I need help.” or “I don't know exactly what I need, but I know I shouldn't be alone right now.”
Let someone into the room with you physically and emotionally even if that is the last thing you want right now.
Make the Goal Smaller
When the darkness has thrown a heavy blanket over your head and you can’t find any light coming through, people often want you to think about the future with phrases like it will get better or think about everything you have to live for. The future feels impossible right now when you can’t see any light and are barely surviving...So we work on making the goal smaller. We don’t focus on committing to being okay forever or even tomorrow. We don’t solve every problem or envision a future for ourselves tonight, we just focus on how to get through the next hour or even the next minute.
That means moving to a room where other people are or calling someone so you are not alone. It means putting distance between yourself and the things that you could use to hurt yourself. It means eating something, taking a shower, and watching your comfort show. It means texting a crisis line (linked below) or making an appointment with a therapist.
The goal is to keep yourself safe in the current moment, not to magically feel better. If you can create enough safety and support for this one moment, then you can do it for the next one as well. You aren’t trying to rip the heavy blanket off of your head; you are poking holes in it so a little light can shine in.
We are actively avoiding permanent decision-making while in emotionally heightened states. Your pain is real and the circumstances are difficult. I will not pretend that positive thinking is going to solve this but I will suggest that you consider the universal experience of feelings (even incredibly intense ones) as changeable. Our brains are not always reliable narrators when we are overwhelmed, exhausted, and depressed. The version of you experiencing the most pain does not deserve to make every decision for the versions that have not yet had the opportunity to exist. Give yourself time and borrow hope from someone else while yours is out of commission.
Create a Plan Before the Next Crisis
If you experience recurring suicidal thoughts, I strongly encourage you to work with a qualified mental health professional to develop an individualized safety plan.
A safety plan typically includes:
Warning signs that tell you a crisis may be escalating
Explicit triggers for crises
Coping strategies that help you tolerate intense emotions
People you can contact
Places where you feel safer
Local crisis resources
Steps for reducing access to things you could use to seriously harm yourself
Reasons for living or reminders of what helps you stay connected
You do not have to figure all of this out alone. And importantly, a safety plan is not about promising that you will never experience suicidal thoughts again. It is about having support and structure available when your ability to think clearly becomes compromised by suicidal thoughts.
Sometimes weekly therapy is helpful and other times medication quiets the thoughts. Sometimes you need a higher level of support. This might look like intensive outpatient programs, day programs, group therapy, and/or family therapy. There is no shame in needing more. Getting additional support does not mean you failed at handling things because we as humans were never designed to survive everything alone.
A Few Affirmations I Want To Leave You With
You are not weak because you are tired.
You are not manipulative because you need reassurance.
You are not dramatic because your pain feels overwhelming.
You are not selfish for needing help.
You are not broken beyond repair.
And you are not a burden because you are struggling.
I know that sometimes these words can feel impossible to believe. And that’s okay. You don't have to believe all of them right now. Just consider leaving a little room for the possibility that your current thoughts about yourself and your future are not the entire truth of who you are. There are things you haven't experienced yet. People you haven't met. Places you haven't seen. Versions of yourself you haven't become.
Healing does not look like waking up one morning and suddenly loving your life. Healing starts much smaller. It starts with poking small holes in the darkness like telling someone the truth, making it through one more night, deciding that while you don’t know what happens next, you are willing to stay long enough to find out.
If you are struggling right now, please reach out to someone. A friend, a family member, a therapist, a doctor, a crisis counselor - someone safe. You deserve help now and if all you can do today is stay alive then let that be more than enough for today.
